


the end is nigh

by 100demons



Series: five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes [2]
Category: Marvel (Movies)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Rare Pairing, SHIP DARCY WITH ALL THE THINGS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-20
Updated: 2012-05-20
Packaged: 2017-11-05 17:16:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/408984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/100demons/pseuds/100demons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Hulk saves Darcy Lewis during the Chitauri alien invasion.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the end is nigh

_We found Sasquatch! Living in a retirement home up in Maine…? Exclusive interview with Elvis Presley: Where he was all these years! “I am Iron Man’s son.” Peter Park steps forward and tells the world what Tony Stark really is like! Famed astrologist says world will end soon!_

__Darcy picked up a copy of the National Enquirer and tossed the vendor a couple of quarters. “How long do you think we have until apparently—“ She stopped and consulted the paper in her hands. “—the earth is overrun by crazy aliens bent on taking over the universe?”

The man behind the counter shrugged and ran a hand through his thinning hair. “I’d be more worried about global warming wiping us all out. My kids keep going about it and making our footprints smaller or something.”

“College kids,” Darcy nodded knowingly.

“You look like one too,” the man said pointedly, picking up the coins and sliding them into the cashier.

“I,” Darcy said haughtily, folding her paper and tucking it under her arm, “have a middle-aged soul, I’ll have you know.  I was just blessed with youthful good looks.” The man looked unimpressed.

“See you tomorrow—“ Darcy started to say, but was cut off by the beginning of the end of the world.

As aliens started to pour out of a giant black hole in the sky, the old newspaper vendor looked at Darcy and said hoarsely, “I guess the crazy aliens win out today.”

“Well, shit,” Darcy said, staring at an incoming alien flying motorcycle. “I guess this means that I won’t be graduating college.”

“Do you think, you know, we should start running?” the old man asked casually, as the black hole threw up a giant mecha sea turtle.

“Yeah, probably,” Darcy agreed, taking off her heels and stashing them in her bag. She brushed imaginary dust off of her Marc Jacobs silk dress. “At least I’ll look good before I become some alien’s next meal.”

 ---

“You know what they say about a guy with big hands and feet, right? I mean, unless you know, um, you don’t have a penis…actually, you can just ignore the last five minutes,” Darcy babbled. “My brain to mouth filter usually breaks down in time of extreme stress—well, Jane said that I never had one in the first place but I think I would know better, right? Even if I have like three quarters of a bachelor’s degree and Jane has like fifty. And this totally counts as extremely stressful because you know, I’m sitting in a giant green guy’s hand, praying to a God that may or may not exist in hopes of not dying by squishing. So. Please don’t squish me, Big Green Guy.”

Big Green Guy looked down at her with impassive eyes the size of dinner plates and rumbled, “Hulk No Squish Pretty Hair.”

“You know,” Darcy said thoughtfully, with only the slightest quaver in her voice. “That actually makes me feel a lot better. So, you go by the name Hulk? That’s nice. I think I have a cousin whose middle name was Hulk but he’s kind of a jackass and no one likes him. Not that I’m saying you’re unlikable!” Darcy added hastily, holding her hands up in the air. “I think you’re a great guy!”

Hulk roared at the air, veins bulging in his neck. Thick green fingers clasped around Darcy like a vise and before she knew it, Big Green Guy was hurtling through the air. “Okay, okay,” Darcy choked out. “Holy shit, I think I left my stomach on the ground—forget everything I said about my jackass cousin! You’re way better than he is and I’ve only met you like five minutes ago— _oh my GOD THAT’S THE CHRYSLER BUILDING—STOP, YOU HAVE TO STOP BEFORE WE BOTH CRASH INTO IT!_ ”

For one heart-stopping moment, Darcy saw her pale, shit-scared face reflected in the glass panes before all the color drained out of the world.

\---

“Pretty Hair…Pretty Hair…Pretty Hair Dead?"

When Darcy opened her eyes, she wasn’t exactly expecting to see a giant green finger poking her head gently. “St. Peter?” Darcy asked groggily. “Izzat you? Funny, you look kind of—“

Her brain decided to wake up and remember what had exactly happened in the last five minutes in minute detail, up to and including the part where she was _thrown_ through four inches of solid glass and steel and ended up on the 75 th floor of the Chrysler building.

“Ow,” Darcy said. “I think you broke my brain, Big Guy.”

“Hulk No Smash,” Big Green Guy said reprovingly, the floor groaning in protest as he moved towards her. Darcy managed to pull herself into a sitting position and ran a hand through her hair, wincing as her fingers got caught in a tangle of dried blood and glass.

“Yes, yes, no smash,” Darcy said absently, more preoccupied with figuring out how broken the rest of her body was than with the giant green man-thing standing in front of her. “Thanks for saving me.”

She looked up and smiled, cheeks dimpling. “It means a lot, big guy.”

Hulk grunted, as if he were a little embarrassed and shuffled his feet. Clouds of dust swirled around him as his feet ground the glass on the floor. “Hulk—“ He stopped and stared as another giant sea turtle swooped past the building, a herd of crazy alien invaders perched on its back. “HULK SMASH PUNY ALIENS,” he roared and launched himself through another, unbroken window.

“Thanks a lot for leaving me here, jerkface,” Dary muttered, as she stood up and brushed bits of cement and glass from her long-ruined dress. “Sure, save me from man-eating aliens and dump me on top of the Chrysler building so you can go beat up more aliens without so much as a by your leave.” She rummaged through her bag (“Remember Darcy,” Mama Lewis had lectured. “If there’s one thing you never let go of, it’s your purse.”) and pulled out her heels and a bottle of hand sanitizer.

“Mental note: for the next alien invasion, pack a bottle of Scotch and some pepper spray.”

**Author's Note:**

> See, everyone ships _Bruce_ and Darcy, but what about Hulk and Darcy?
> 
> (someone, anyone, please _stop_ me before i crash and burn and ruin this fandom.)


End file.
